Davide la Locomotive

I’ve had a lot of scans recently.
Some were loud. One made me feel like I’d wet myself.
So I started rating them.
Not medically. Just… in terms of personal chaos.

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CT Scan

At first, the CT scan had theme park potential—an x-ray centrifuge that spins around you like a wall of death taking pictures while you lie perfectly still in the middle.
It’s basically how they did bullet time in The Matrix.

They inject you with contrast dye so your blood vessels light up like a Christmas tree.
It gave me a sudden hot flush from scalp to groin.
It feels like wetting yourself… but medically.

For a moment I thought, “Hey, that was kind of fun.”
Then I felt sick.
Fun ended.

CT Scan: 4/10 — Started promising, ended with nausea and a dignity check.
Still, it’s better than most roller coasters.

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MRI

This one’s the headline act.

You’re slid into a tube, like the world’s most boring waterslide, and then bombarded with a full-spectrum cacophony of mechanical howls.
The MRI uses magnets and radio waves to build beautiful images of your insides—while making you question your life choices.

Despite earplugs, it’s loud.
Like someone banging pots, dubstep gremlins, and—unhelpfully—one sound that seemed to keep whispering “do it.”

Do what, exactly?
Unclear.
Possibly a stealth Nike campaign. Possibly demonic possession.

Technically: non-invasive, zero radiation, borderline miraculous.
Emotionally: nightmare fuel.

MRI: -3/10 — Like being shouted at by robots in a drainpipe.

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Ultrasound

Low-key. No enormous machine. No tube.

It was actually kind of lovely.
Like a sloppy massage from someone using just one very bony finger.

So relaxing I nearly fell asleep.
But I also got to watch live footage of my own veins! That was extremely cool.

Would 100% do again.
People pay good money for worse spa experiences.

Ultrasound: 8/10 — If E.T. opened a boutique neck massage studio.

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Medical scans are not theme park rides.
But they share a few things:
You lie down.
You get strapped in.
You start questioning your life choices.
You can’t get off halfway through.
They are loud and uncomfortable.

Only one is medically necessary.
Only one makes your insides visible (well, hopefully).
Only one shows you the truth.

Neither is fun.

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